Joe text me a week ago.. I thought i was dreaming. I mean i do have that dream. But no.. this time its true.. he text me.. so yeah..
My first reaction.. i was surprise.. i wait 3 month and when i almost let it be, he came.. and somehow.. deep down inside me.. i was screaming.. just let me go joe.. just let me lose hope on you.. bcoz now my heart is torn apart. and now he's gone again.. it was like those conversation never happen..
And for the first time, i just feel tired of waiting. I feel like i had enough with ashraf dulu. I dont want to be in that situation again. It so tiring. It was like waiting for rain on drought season. It was wasting and pointless. i really do tired and i know u guys can feel it too by counting how many tired word i've been type.
So yeah, we talk and it was so short that it break my heart a little coz i miss him so bad and i just thought i could talk to him a bit longer. And then when i text him on other day, he didnt reply. It hurt actually. But later he text me. We talked. This time longer a bit. But it wasnt the same.
I told farah about this coz i am confuse with what i feel or think. And she ask me did joe text me differently or is it the same. I dont know actually. Coz i try to deny it. And now i realize. He's different. Yeah, i know he's change. Its good. Im proud of him. But the way he talk, he just different. i miss the way you talk to me, i miss the way you teasing me, and the most part is that i miss you call me pentol. you different now.
Ive been thinking lately about how i feel and thoughts are. And i dont think i can do it. Im sorry. I just tired of waiting. And with you like this. Im not a mind reader joe. Im tired of figuring and assuming and hoping. Im just done.
Im not saying goodbye. You are forever is my friend. You like the big brother i never had. the guy friend i never had this long. it just that..
'you taught me how to trust myself. and so i say to you this is what i have to do. coz i dont know how i am without you. all i know is that i should. and i dont know if i could stand another hand upon you. all i know is that i should. coz she would love you more than i could. she who dares to stand where i stood. '
And i just feel like i need to really live without you. Its not that i didnt been through it. 3month you gone like that, leave me thousand of questions. But this time i just need to focus more on my life and goals rather that asking myself why you left and act this way. To be honest, i guess the reason why i ask you to let me go is probably i already adapt myself living without you. or maybe bcoz now i know that you left not bcoz of my wrong doing. i mean, who knew. i never realize my mistake somehow. and i've been join choir and theater club and having new friends, it just somehow make me forget a bit about this heart acne and the missing i feel. i choose to be happy instead. and its good.
u had your alone time. now its time for me to had my own space. thanks joe, for everything. really.