Lately, I love to bring myself to the past. Looking to the good and bad memory. Recall each one of it. Look through all those photo. Remembering all those good time even if its not that great. Yah, tah pape kn. But thats what i am. Sometime i could look through the old memories and photos for few hours. Guess i'm a classic vintage type of person anyway.
I miss the old me. I miss her. She look so happy and she had a happy life. Surround herself with people whom she loves and people who love her. Her smile so pure, her laugh so real. Im not saying that the new her was full with sadness and bullshit. But part of it was true. People change and those who were heartless was once care too much. I realize that now i am no longer with people who i was once close with, who i anggap like my family and friends. And sometime my laugh was just to shut the sadness away and my smile was mostly fake. But mostly toward those who i dislike and dont forget the roll eyes. It is not complete with fake smile. And i mostly had some sense of style and just dont fucking care what people say or think of me. But now, i dont fucking care what i wear. Mostly i just too lazy to play the dress up, the make up. I just wear the 'lazy clothes'. Bapak malas gila. But i do still had that i-fucking-dont-care-what-you-think-of-me attitude, but somehow deep inside me i do fucking care. Maybe i've been surrounding myself with negative people who love to tease you and bring u down. Well, that was fucking truth because i had a few names of people who was so mean like a bitch even if they were a guy. And i love to swear a lot now. Not that i didnt swear in my old days.
Maybe this was it. As you grew up, u had hard time on trusting people and your circle getting smaller and smaller because you cut those who just not fit in ur life whether they an asshole or just too boring. Either way. And you talk carefully so u wont get too comfortable/attached with them cause you know that one day they will leave you backstabber or just that it was their time to go. You know what important in your life whether it was a life goal, people or things. And of course, you realize that life is way too short for being sad, regret and depress. Eventhough i've been on those 3. So you start to live your life to the fullest, go travel, see the world, making new friends, laugh smile and fall in love. Just live your life the way you want, the way it should be.
I guess thats why i change, Thats why i convert myself from the old happy me to the new cooler me. Hehe.. Perasan. And yeah i did lot of mistake back then. Banyak sgt. But i guess thats what make me who i am today. I never feel regret any of it. Wait, there was one and i feel really or not really sorry. But i do feel sgt2 guilty and so wrong and full with regret for meeting this one person who named i rather not saying. But i do regret met you eventhough you were nice and kind and everything a girl dream having in prince charming. Cliche cliche. But i am ashamedly feeling regret. Everytime i think about those memories i have with him, all i feel was regret. He never broke my heart. In fact i did. I pun xtau nape i rasa mcm tu. Pelik pelik.
One of my course mate, Yanie always said that i was a positive girl. I dont know about that and i dont know if i should agree with her or not. But i do know that sometime i could be negative. And the fact that i had this positive attitude because i just dont fucking care and i am too lazy. Serious. And thats my secret to be positive. Ignore the noise and always listen to your heart eventhough she/he was wrong sometime. Oh, npe she/he? Well, i call my heart 'she' bcoz if i like a guy and my heart is 'he', doesnt that mean my heart is a gay? Haha.. i being ridiculous. :D
“My heart currently resembles the ashes of my cigarettes.”
(not that i ever smoke in my whole life. gila. kang xpasal kene halau ngan mommy n abah. it was a hiperbola of mixture of happiness broken-hearted. i guess)
And if there ever a time-machine built, there were nothing i want to change except meeting that person. But i guess if i change that, the rest will change too. Didnt you see Project Almanac? Best sick lesson-could-be-learnt movie. So thanks but no thanks, I think im good this way. Im exactly where i should be. This is real, this is me. This is the real me. The new me who was somehow imperfect in every way but i love her and proud of her. And it was okay to look back to the old times, the old you. But never regret any of it, just smile and laugh, It was a good times even that time it was not. Be happy. Always.
Eventhought that sometime i do miss the old me. But i kinda like the new me. She such a bad-ass person who do things she wanna do. And beside, i did cross a few things in my bucket list. So, yeah, i love the new me.
No comments:
Post a Comment