I have a few versions of this post. I wrote it as time goes by. I post it and took it down numerous times. Not because suddenly things changed but it just was not the right time. It just doesn't seem like it is the end. If you read the history of it. We always make up after a fight. We always patch things up and talk like nothing ever happens. like everything was okay and that we were fine. It was just another thunderstorm and it started to sunny again once it was over. But it was different this time. It is the end.
It amazes me how we could be strangers and then share so much but at last, we go back to where it started. A stranger. I believe the people we meet and allow to enter our lives teach us some valuable lessons somehow. Even though the goodbye part is the hardest but once we get over it, we see the 'reason' behind everything happening for a reason.
You came into my life unplanned and we should have stopped talking after I told the lies about how I got your number. I shouldn't have even kept your number in the first place and then given it to someone I know. But then there we are. Honestly, I had never experienced anything like this. When we first got to know each other, I felt like I know you. It is like my soul has met you before. I do not know how to explain it. I kept trying to find this connection. I kept asking people. I asked my friend if they ever cross with someone that they just met but it feels like you have known each other for a lifetime. But I never actually got the answer. I google it as well okay because it feels weird. And the fact that I never felt like this before gives me a thousand thoughts. But I know now, that you were my soul buddies.
We shared so much with each other and we have lots of memories together. Despite the age gap and the distance. We were somehow able to do things together. Like, remember when both took MUET together? I took it at Matriks and you at some high school. But we took it on the same day. So we kinda have a similar topic. And that night we talked about this, sharing our stories of facing this MUET. We always watched football together. If I were not able to watch it, you will be updating the current score. And I will do the same for you if you did not get a chance to watch it. Funnily we got heartbroken around the same time. I think I got dumped first and then you are having yours or it was the other way round. I don't remember it much but I know that time we pour our hearts out, we cry, and listen to some sad songs. It was funny when I look at it back. The heartbreak was unbearable that we plot to kill each other. But you say, if you die, who will I be friends with? So we scrap the idea out.
We did not talk every day with each other. But when we do talk, we could do it for hours. It seems like we always have something to talk about even though it was silly. I mean who can I talk about sampin for almost two hours or the fact that we talked about tandas KLCC RM2. How sometimes you just play a guessing game with me. We are both very competitive even though there is no winning prize. I missed it though. I miss talking to you. But mostly I miss us. The version of us who were young and carefree. I think the real world breaks us up.
We were so close that somehow it scares me. What if you meet someone and then you forget about me? Or how if I meet some guy and I forget about you. Even though we prove to each other that, even if we are both with someone at that moment, we will not forget each other. And I guess after a while and we were both single and the conversation getting deeper, I started to grow feelings for you. I tried to brush it off. I helped you to get a few girls you have a crush on and I go be with a few guys. But the feeling was always there. It never go away, it never died. It just stood there waiting.
And the wait is over the day I confess and then you said you like me too. We become different people even though we never declare we were together. Suddenly you started to distance and I was wondering if I ever did anything wrong to you. You never explain and just want me to forget about it. We talked but not like before. I felt hurt but I think maybe you got a lot of things in your mind. I tried to be understanding and ignore it. But along the way, I just felt tired with all of this and I could feel myself slip. It was all I ever want but is it even worth it? Are we even meant to be?
I kept thinking of walking away and leaving all of this behind, leaving you as it is. Saving myself while I still could before I fell way too deep. But I kept coming back and you kept reassuring me. So I hold on to whatever I have and have faith that this storm will be over. That the sun will shine again and we will be okay. And I thought it finally ends when you started to talk about marriage to me. I thought that the day has come. I was wrong. You ask me to forget about it after a few months of saying it. You took back your words. It breaks my heart into millions of pieces. I could feel it drop and crash. I did not beg you to change your mind. But I stayed and hope that you did change your mind somehow. But at the same time, I was so tired and I just wants it to end. So I left. I walked away and I never turn back.
Of course, it breaks my heart again, whatever is lefts of it anyway. I was never the same person again after that day.
But eventually, I know now why it needs to end, why it has to end. We were so careful in taking care of what we had as it was delicate. It was our masterpiece that somehow we tore up. We stopped caring about it. We grew distant and fell apart. Your name stopped flashing on my phone and my call was left unanswering. We go from having lots of talks to being unable to form any words or sentences. How did we even get here?
I know that I am the one who said I am done with this. I know I am the one who calls it quit and ends it. But we both know somehow it was for the best. We destroy the best part that we have by staying together. We hurt each other to see who had the most bruises. We want this to work so bad but nothing is working anymore. All we did was broke each other hearts and it has to stop before it goes horribly wrong. It has already damaged us and that is why I left.
From here and there, then and now, you know I will do anything for you. Even though I never said it but you know, I will do those things Bruno Mars said in "Grenade". You know marriage just wasn't for me. Of course, I want it, more when it was with you. But you know deep down, I have so many things to do. You know how I wanted to continue my study. and you are always one of my supporters. I remember the very last day we talked. You asked me did I had already continued with it and I said not yet but soon. I could feel a small grin from you. You are always proud of the things I did and achieve. And I was happy when you told me about your new job and a new place. I was glad you were doing great. And I wanted to thank you for giving me the closure that I have been seeking since the day I walk away. Thank you for put an end to this as I knew you need it too.
You will always have a special place in my heart and the back of my mind. If an alternate universe existed, I hope we make it in one of them. But even if it doesn't, I hope we meet again in heaven. You were my best friend joe. You were my person, my everything. And even though we are no longer talking, I always kept you in my prayers. I wish you the very best in anything you do and I hope you meet someone who could give you what you need. I miss you so much but I really hope our paths will not cross again in this world. I hope we both peacefully live our life. Happy and content. I will never forget us and I hope you won't too. But I think it is best that you go your own way and I go mine. It is better to leave as it is and end it.
